tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-42126730328941767892024-03-13T11:08:47.610-07:00Stories of Faith and SurvivalKathleen Kellyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03119636346195383156noreply@blogger.comBlogger35125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4212673032894176789.post-27551653362620804732012-03-18T16:10:00.002-07:002012-03-18T16:10:45.842-07:00numbfour days out from court and no report. sorry about that.<br />
<br />
it took me a few days to start feeling again.<br />
start thinking again.<br />
<br />
it went well. they pulled shenanigans. as a result, the battle continues- we were given a continuance.<br />
<br />
The Bible says that the peacekeepers are blessed.<br />
I want peace.<br />
<br />
He wants war.<br />
<br />
he laughed at me and smiled throughout my entire testimony.<br />
it made my heart sad<br />
his heart is so broken, so dark, so angry.<br />
<br />
the details are unimportant.<br />
what I know is that God has this<br />
and I have to continually give it back to Him<br />
<br />
that is harder to do<br />
than it sounds<br />
when one decision<br />
changes your entire life<br />
<br />
anyways, I will work on this story<br />
to close the gap between then and now<br />
without letting you fall behind<br />
<br />
are you still there? are you still reading?<br />
let me know.<br />
xoxoKathleen Kellyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03119636346195383156noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4212673032894176789.post-43179501803651716392012-03-11T21:17:00.001-07:002012-03-11T21:17:56.298-07:00agendajumping back to the temporary orders hearing<br />
<br />
we had a long day ahead of us, many things to do.<br />
documents to collect<br />
and then court.<br />
<br />
I had an agenda- complete with times and maps. <i>My Plan.</i><br />
<i><br /></i><br />
Every single item on that list went as planned. Down to the minute. 12 errands. Down to the minute- how often has that EVER happened in your life? EVER?<br />
<br />
Every single time, I felt God tug on my heart.<br />
<br />
<i>Pay attention.</i><br />
<i>This is so you trust me. </i><br />
<i>You need to trust me right now. </i><br />
<i><br /></i><br />
Last item: picking up my witnesses and driving to court- one hour away.<br />
<br />
There are two roads to court. If you take one, it is 45 minutes to backtrack to the other.<br />
It is an either/or situation.<br />
<br />
We chose either, and at the very end of the road- right before it reconnected with the freeway- there was an accident.<br />
<br />
I looked at the clock.<br />
30 minutes until court.<br />
<br />
If I am not there, I forfeit, and he gets everything he wants.<br />
I lose.<br />
I lose the kids.<br />
I lose custody.<br />
<br />
It is impossible to go the other way and make it.<br />
If we wait for the accident to clear, it could be hours- what do we do?<br />
<br />
I start to feel desperate.<br />
How is it possible?<br />
How is this possible?<br />
How can EVERYTHING today have gone completely on schedule and THIS goes wrong?<br />
This makes everything else pointless!<br />
Did I leave an abuser just to lose due to an accident?<br />
<br />
My mind races, and the others in the car start to panic.<br />
<br />
After some debate, we decide to turn back and go the other way.<br />
<br />
The clock keeps ticking.<br />
Court is approaching.<br />
<br />
I try to stay calm.<br />
It is so far away!<br />
<br />
How is it possible?<br />
How is this possible?<br />
<br />
My mind cycles in useless circles, retracing the day, trying to find my error.<br />
<br />
There was no error. This was completely out of control. The plan was perfect.<br />
MY PLAN WAS PERFECT.<br />
THIS was GOD'S plan.<br />
<br />
Every passing second imprints itself in our bones, deeply and painfully building the tension.<br />
<br />
We make it to the city with five minutes to spare- but then need to find the courthouse.<br />
<br />
There is a cop right in front of us!!<br />
Perfect!!<br />
We follow him in, he does the speed limit the whole time.<br />
<br />
I am having trouble describing this moment.<br />
Everything was on the line, and everything was out of my control.<br />
Nothing was working.<br />
The cop in front of us was going exactly 25 mph.<br />
The clock threatened to hit the time, 4 minutes.<br />
We knew we were more than 4 minutes away.<br />
<br />
I couldn't think, panicking,<br />
<br />
I was in the car. Shaking. My whole body quaked with the fear, caved to the anxiety.<br />
I stared desperately at the clock, and could not stop screaming prayers.<br />
And when I say screaming, I mean screaming.<br />
In front of my mother.<br />
In front of my witnesses,<br />
with total reckless abandonment,<br />
the car echoed with my pleas.<br />
<br />
<i>I need more faith God, I need more faith. Your will, Lord, your will... I need more faith, please more faith. You have been with us all day, building up for something. I know you are working on something big. I need more faith. Please, give me more faith. </i><br />
<i><br /></i><br />
Over and over again, I begged and pleaded for faith, for patience, to understand His will.<br />
I pleaded as the clock hit time, and we weren't still there.<br />
<br />
The prayers turned to sobs.<br />
<br />
<i>Please, God, don't let it happen like this. Please, I need more faith. I can't understand, I am trying to understand. Why bring us this far? I need more faith, Lord, I need more faith. </i><br />
<i><br /></i><br />
Finally, we turn into the courthouse, and before the car is parked, I am bolting up the steps to the courthouse.<br />
<br />
I get in the elevator, breathless, face streaked with tears, disheveled.<br />
<br />
I look to my right<br />
and see<br />
his attorney.<br />
<br />
They were late too.<br />
Exactly, to the second, as late as we were.<br />
<br />
I get upstairs, and the court had not started yet. I had a chance to go in the bathroom, clean up, and collect my witnesses again.<br />
<br />
Later, in the court room...<br />
<br />
My witness to that day, the one who had helped me leave, was on the stand.<br />
His attorney was drilling her about my mental state at the time.<br />
She was saying I was afraid and very distraught.<br />
The attorney pointed out I could just be upset, like any other person who has just fought with her husband.<br />
<br />
My witness stops for a second.<br />
Then she smiles and says, "No. I know her. She is never upset like this. I have known her for years, and never seen her cry or yell. Today, in the car, she was upset. I saw upset. I saw anger. I saw her pounding her fists on the dash, screaming at God. I saw different things that day. This was not anger, this was not a normal fight."<br />
<br />
God whispered in my heart, <i>All things for a reason, child. Have faith. I was there the whole time. This needed to happen just as it did.</i><br />
<i><br /></i><br />
The judge understood the distinction, we won the trial.<br />
I walked away with everything I asked for.<br />
<br />
Now, since then, I think of car accidents as a metaphor.<br />
Sometimes God uses awful moments to His good.<br />
<br />
Without that car accident, sent at just the exact right (or wrong?) time, my witness would have stumbled and the case could have been lost due to a manipulative attorney. Instead, God had given her a direct illustration of what she had seen and not seen.<br />
<br />
<i><br /></i><br />
<i>HIS timing was PERFECT.</i><br />
<i>HIS plan was PERFECT.</i><br />
<i><br /></i><br />
We had a safe, uneventful trip back.<br />
I believe there might even have been wine when we got home.<br />
<br />
God blesses us with car accidents and wine.Kathleen Kellyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03119636346195383156noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4212673032894176789.post-31135562260720548132012-03-11T11:47:00.002-07:002012-03-11T11:47:44.605-07:00silence<br />
<br class="Apple-interchange-newline" />six weeks out<br />
the boys don't mention their dad<br />
they don't miss him<br />
which strikes me as clinically significant.<br />
I am worried about them<br />
and their trauma<br />
what they saw<br />
what they went through<br />
that day<br />
that night<br />
and now<br />
their lives are changed, too<br />
their sense of routine, security- shattered<br />
<br />
We worked to establish a new routine right away<br />
made them a bedroom<br />
a playroom<br />
enrolled them in school<br />
attended church regularly<br />
anything we can do to reconstruct some sense of normalcy<br />
as quickly as possible<br />
<br />
But why don't they talk?<br />
<br />
I am in new parenting territory<br />
how to help them navigate this?<br />
I lean heavily on my clinical training<br />
and psyche research<br />
and try to pull them through this.<br />Kathleen Kellyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03119636346195383156noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4212673032894176789.post-62391361462519446112012-03-11T11:44:00.001-07:002012-03-11T11:44:55.070-07:00insecurityin the Bible study<br />
I look at insecurity<br />
completely differently<br />
than I ever have.<br />
<br />
Insecurity is not about looks or shallow things<br />
it is about not having security<br />
lack of security<br />
and looking to God in those moment<br />
<br />
There couldn't be a better book<br />
for this moment in my life<br />
I read this book<br />
as though it was written for me<br />
<br />
I have no security<br />
no idea what is to come<br />
no idea where we are to live<br />
no idea...<br />
<br />
but I learn to look to God<br />
not for outcomes<br />
but for the Grace to accept his outcomes<br />
<br />
and it changes my life<br />
and the experience<br />
and now<br />
I see<br />
God is working in my life<br />
to make something amazing<br />
<br />
but I am still numb<br />
and terribly unsure<br />
and frankly don't have too many memories<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Kathleen Kellyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03119636346195383156noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4212673032894176789.post-59833801253651082652012-03-11T11:35:00.001-07:002012-03-11T11:35:43.699-07:00go to churchone week into our new life, Saturday, driving.<br />
<br />
A conversation with God.<br />
<br />
<i>Go to church.</i><br />
<i> </i>I can't go to church. It's Saturday. I'm not Catholic.<br />
<i>Go to church.</i><br />
<i> </i>I can't go to church. It's Saturday!<br />
<i>Go to church!!</i><br />
<i><br /></i><br />
Just He said this, I passed a giant church with a sign out front advertising a Saturday service. I pulled in.<br />
<br />
<i>Go sit in the front.</i><br />
<i> </i>No way. I never sit in the front! Nooooo.... back for me, thank you very much.<br />
<i>Go sit in the front!</i><br />
Fine.<br />
<br />
I sit in the front, behind this beautiful blonde lady.<br />
She turns around and introduces herself.<br />
Invites me to Sunday School, a women's only Bible study group. They were doing a study on Insecurity by Beth Moore.<br />
<br />
<i>Go.</i><br />
I just started a new life! I am NOT worried about my looks right now!<br />
<i>Go.</i><br />
<i> </i>I don't really understand right now, but fine.<br />
<br />
The next morning...<br />
<br />
I enter the Bible study, and feel very out of place. The new kid in a room of people who were obviously very close.<br />
<br />
<i>Talk.</i><br />
<br />
I talk. I briefly cover my story. I tell them I need a church family right away. They pray with me.<br />
<br />
After the study, I go to the church bookstore to flip through the book for the study, knowing I cannot afford it. I have nothing.<br />
<br />
I was surrounded by strangers.<br />
They bought me the books for the study.<br />
They bought me a beautiful new Bible.<br />
<br />
I dive into the Word and the Word brings me comfort.<br />
The emotional waves subside.<br />
I start healing.<br />
<i><br /></i><br />
<i><br /></i>Kathleen Kellyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03119636346195383156noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4212673032894176789.post-88619711661881586732012-03-11T11:12:00.001-07:002012-03-11T11:20:29.873-07:00numbThe next month<br />
I know I was functioning<br />
I know things got done<br />
people were called<br />
papers were filed<br />
<br />
I was numb<br />
except when I wasn't<br />
When I wasn't, emotion would flood me<br />
my heart raced<br />
my body heaved sobs<br />
it would hit like a train.<br />
<br />
Driving, singing my favorite song<br />
sunlight in the window<br />
and then... darkness, pain, fear, sadness...<br />
too much<br />
(i thought my body would break)<br />
how can anyone survive such extremity?<br />
<br />
I had lost everything<br />
packed two kids and a van<br />
drove away<br />
he emptied the bank<br />
he turned off my phone<br />
trying to leave me without resources<br />
<br />
I had his children!<br />
<br />
anger<br />
more anger<br />
and terror<br />
what if he hurts us?<br />
the statistics say that now we are in more danger<br />
than we were a month ago.<br />
<br />
I left my church family, my friends, my business, my home, my community...<br />
I walked away from my <i>entire life. </i><br />
Everything was gone in a day.<br />
A chaotic cardboard and pizza day.<br />
<br />
<i>Thank you, God, for surrounding me with love and support.</i><br />
<i>Thank you, God, for providing.</i><br />
<i><br /></i><br />
I immediately got a new phone.<br />
I immediately had a safe refuge.<br />
<br />
Every day, even to today, our first prayers as a family are thanks.<br />
<br />
<i>Thank you, Our sweet Heavenly Father, for giving us enough food to fill our bellies and a warm, soft place to sleep. Thank you for sending Grammie and Grandpa to help care for us and to love us. Thank you for surrounding us with friends and family who love us. </i><br />
<i><br /></i><br />
Every night. For 9 months.<br />
<br />
Wow. 9 months. We are going to court on the 9 month anniversary of the day we demanded a new life.<br />
It is like a pregnancy.<br />
The time has fully come. <br />
<br />
I remember in Church a few months back.<br />
I was anxious, tired, and sad<br />
but mostly tired<br />
existentially tired.<br />
I prayed for answers.<br />
<br />
I heard him remind me of Galatians 4:4. "When the time had fully come..."<br />
Poignant.<br />
Things happen on HIS time.<br />
<br />
Our "pregnancy" is almost over.<br />
We are full term<br />
the time is fully come<br />
<br />
I am getting ahead of myself. Sorry for the rambling. We are talking about the first month now.<br />
<br />
The restraining order was challenged<br />
I won.<br />
The Temporary Custody order was challenged.<br />
I went with God as my attorney, he went with an actual attorney.<br />
I won.<br />
God was with me, holding my hand.<br />
<br />
Resources presented themselves before I knew I needed them.<br />
I watched in amazement as He walked with me, providing<br />
<br />
It felt like manna from Heaven<br />
small things<br />
hard to list<br />
but they were <i>constant.</i><br />
<br />
but still.<br />
I was numb<br />
and having waves of too much emotion<br />
and just trying to deal<br />
with the fact that I had never prepared<br />
for the fact that<br />
divorce<br />
meant the death of my entire life.<br />
it was over.<br />
<br />
I was a blank canvas,<br />
begging God to hurry up and start painting,<br />
trying to find a place<br />
in this new life.Kathleen Kellyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03119636346195383156noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4212673032894176789.post-35744014860224108992012-03-11T10:34:00.001-07:002012-03-11T10:34:13.128-07:00thank youI am almost crying right now.<br />
Just saw how many page views yesterday, every day since I started writing.<br />
<br />
THANK YOU for coming with me.<br />
This isn't easy.<br />
But it is easier knowing I am not alone.Kathleen Kellyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03119636346195383156noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4212673032894176789.post-54310108585898579582012-03-11T10:18:00.001-07:002012-03-11T10:18:46.628-07:00nervousbringing you to today again.<br />
Two days of calm<br />
<br />
today the calm avoids me like a naughty child playing hide and seek in an overcrowded store.<br />
I am frustrated in my attempts to find it.<br />
<br />
My chest hurts, my heart is racing.<br />
<br />
Breathing and repeating.<br />
<br />
<i>I forgive you.</i><br />
<i>I love you.</i><br />
<i>I am not going to let you hurt me anymore</i><br />
<i><br /></i><br />
<i>I am calm</i><br />
<i>I am loved</i><br />
<i>God has this</i><br />
<i><br /></i><br />
I feel really powerless<br />
like the clock is hostile<br />
ticking seconds too fast<br />
sometimes too slow<br />
<br />
<i>The only thing left to do is what needs to be done.</i><br />
<i>You let me handle him.</i><br />
<i><br /></i><br />
God has been with me. He has this plan.<br />
I am on the road<br />
there are no more turns.<br />
just straight.<br />
<br />
My feet are heavy<br />
Why is today so hard?<br />
<br />
I slept 12 hours last night<br />
fell asleep doing cognitive restructuring exercises<br />
picturing calm and bliss in the court room<br />
<br />
Why is my heart hurting today?<br />
Why is it racing?<br />
<br />
Pray with me,<br />
I need more faith.Kathleen Kellyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03119636346195383156noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4212673032894176789.post-3179883285979618142012-03-10T14:27:00.002-08:002012-03-10T14:27:39.249-08:00the first dayThe first day was a blur.<br />
<br />
I can't think, function.<br />
<br />
I call for help on Facebook.<br />
I need to pack the house, and I need to pack it now. I need help.<br />
<br />
My message went to my church, to another church, to another.<br />
Within 20 minutes, my house was flooded with strangers. Packing, storing, cleaning.<br />
They worked for 12 hours.<br />
No payment taken, they just share a pizza and it is done.<br />
<br />
I am on Facebook, everyone is helping me.<br />
Finding the right paperwork, helping me fill it out.<br />
Friends from other countries, other cities.<br />
I feel surrounded, safe and loved.<br />
<br />
The paperwork is done<br />
I collapse, exhausted.<br />
Haven't slept since the morning before the end.<br />
<br />
My body quits on me<br />
and sleep comes<br />
<br />
I am so blessed to have help with the kids.<br />
so blessed to have help with the house<br />
just blessed.<br />
<br />
the next morning, I file for divorce. I file for custody. I file for everything.<br />
then we leave the city.<br />
<br />Kathleen Kellyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03119636346195383156noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4212673032894176789.post-69984763470053038932012-03-10T14:22:00.001-08:002012-03-10T14:22:42.469-08:0010 in, 0 outThis is where we start again.<br />
<br />
The cops came. Told him to leave. He packed his stuff, and left.<br />
<br />
Let me take you to that moment.<br />
Restraining order served, there is no going back.<br />
Is he going to follow the order?<br />
Fear.<br />
Shaking.<br />
Nausea.<br />
I can't go back.<br />
This can't be fixed.<br />
There is no making up now.<br />
<br />
The house is empty now, I go in and grab the kids.<br />
<br />
The house is a mess.<br />
Food on the floor.<br />
The boys are in diapers, filthy, I can smell them from several feet away.<br />
The youngest is in a very, very dirty diaper.<br />
When was he last changed?<br />
<br />
I immediately get them into a bath.<br />
That's when I see them.<br />
<br />
My youngest has giant bruises all up and down his back, some on his arm wrapping around, some on his leg.<br />
<br />
My baby has been hurt.<br />
I see red again.<br />
I couldn't protect him.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Kathleen Kellyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03119636346195383156noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4212673032894176789.post-37017578378610326622012-03-10T13:41:00.001-08:002012-03-10T13:41:37.700-08:00strugglingI am struggling to write this.<br />
It gets overwhelming, so much to tell.<br />
How do I start?<br />
I am in the middle of the mess, and it feels like there is no light at the end of the tunnel.<br />
<br />
Noting the resistance, I am curious to revisit the traumas though writing. It is hard.<br />
I could use some hand-holding right now.<br />
<br />
<i>All that is left to do is what needs to be done.</i><br />
<i><br /></i><br />
Holding on to that thought, we now have to discuss this.<br />
There are several chapters to this story.<br />
<br />
I have told the first chapter: the marriage.<br />
I have told the 2nd chapter: leaving.<br />
Now, time for the messy third chapter: reconstruction.<br />
<br />
This is where God holds my hand.<br />
This is where he walks with me.<br />
<br />
I sure hope I can do Him justice in writing this story.<br />
I know I won't.<br />
<br />
If you are feeling my anger, anxiety, insecurity... hang tight.<br />
The story gets MUCH better from here.<br />
The hard part is over now.<br />
<br />Kathleen Kellyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03119636346195383156noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4212673032894176789.post-19655883661217798062012-03-10T13:19:00.001-08:002012-03-10T13:19:03.118-08:00terrorMorning.<br />
<br />
I wait in the court's waiting room.<br />
Shaking, shaking, shaking.<br />
<br />
If the judge does not put the kids on the restraining order, I lose.<br />
I lose because he establishes primary custody.<br />
EVERYTHING rests on this judge granting the restraining order with the kids.<br />
<br />
I am so scared, my body goes numb.<br />
I can't stop sobbing.<br />
I can't stop shaking.<br />
<i>praying. praying. praying.</i><br />
<i><br /></i><br />
My prayer had devolved into begging, pleading.<br />
<i>Please, please, please, God, please, please, please</i><br />
<br />
Our turn.<br />
<br />
My name, sworn in.<br />
I look at the judge and he looks at me.<br />
<br />
<i>I don't have time to read all of this.</i><br />
He tosses my petition aside.<br />
<br />
He asks me two questions.<br />
I am confused.<br />
He won't let me tell my story.<br />
He won't let me talk.<br />
<br />
He brushes me off as I start to speak, and says he will have a decision waiting for us.<br />
<br />
Out in the waiting room again<br />
my body heaves sobs<br />
it must be over<br />
I never had a shot<br />
<br />
the clerk calls my name<br />
signed and stamped<br />
<br />
I got the kids.<br />
<br />
Numbness again.<br />
I did it.<br />
we were safe.<br />
<br />
<br />Kathleen Kellyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03119636346195383156noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4212673032894176789.post-87912384664498716642012-03-10T13:14:00.001-08:002012-03-10T13:14:13.657-08:00darknessI spent the night writing, in depth, every detail of the abuse on the petition for the restraining order.<br />
<br />
Every. detail.<br />
<br />
I am getting my babies back.<br />
<br />
The night is long. Too long, too dark.<br />
<br />
He has stepped out of reality. Calls my mother and tells her that we are back together, attending a prayer group. Calls her again, tells her I am in an orgy at that very minute. Calls her and tells her that I had sex on the couch in the living room, in front of the kids, while he laid in the bedroom.<br />
<br />
My mom gets scared.<br />
She is with me.<br />
He is absolutely crazy.<br />
He sobs one second, screams the next, and can be completely calm in the third.<br />
Sometimes all three within the same 20 second conversation.<br />
<br />
It isn't safe for my babies to be with him.<br />
He has lost it,<br />
but I can't get them till morning.<br />
<br />
I pray for their safety and give them to God.<br />
Only HE can bring them through this night.<br />
<br />
They are locked in the house with a madman.<br />
And I sleep gripping the papers that will free them.Kathleen Kellyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03119636346195383156noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4212673032894176789.post-8518575575551778882012-03-10T13:02:00.000-08:002012-03-10T13:02:07.158-08:00911I did everything I could to calm him down, keep him from getting violent.<br />
I said what I thought he wanted me to say.<br />
I did what I thought he wanted me to do.<br />
Just trying to make it till morning.<br />
<br />
In the morning, I was going to leave.<br />
<br />
But we didn't make it that far.<br />
<br />
The kids saw it all<br />
the attack<br />
him ripping my phone from my hand<br />
<br />
<i>there is no 911 for you.</i><br />
<i><br /></i><br />
his sneer blazed into my mind.<br />
checkmate.<br />
he had me.<br />
<br />
i wrestled free of him<br />
ran half naked down the street to the first neighbor who would answer the door<br />
<br />
the police came<br />
<br />
he was going to take the kids<br />
he said i would never find him<br />
he said i would never see them again alive<br />
if i left.<br />
<br />
the police had been out three times.<br />
they were impatient with us<br />
<br />
they told me to leave<br />
because he couldn't drive<br />
they wouldn't let me take the kids<br />
because they had been disrupted enough<br />
<br />
i begged<br />
begged<br />
begged<br />
them to let me take the kids<br />
<br />
the female officer<br />
<i>off the record. you take the car seats. i can't help you, but you take those car seats so he can't take those babies till morning.</i><br />
<i><br /></i><br />
I took the car seats, kissed them goodbye and drove away. I didn't know if I would ever see them again.<br />
<i><br /></i><br />
<i><br /></i>Kathleen Kellyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03119636346195383156noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4212673032894176789.post-27659222468437605282012-03-10T12:50:00.005-08:002012-03-10T12:50:50.826-08:00open and closedthe afternoon of the end, a friend helped me, sheltered me until i stopped shaking and crying.<br />
i called domestic violence shelters and legal aid, got legal advice.<br />
<br />
i was supposed to be repenting, in a prayer group, praying for my marriage.<br />
for God to show me how to be his wife correctly.<br />
<br />
we went to the court to file the restraining order.<br />
the court was closed.<br />
<br />
i couldn't leave the kids with him<br />
i had to go backKathleen Kellyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03119636346195383156noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4212673032894176789.post-28865121648204317862012-03-09T13:12:00.001-08:002012-03-09T13:12:17.507-08:00workpause the story. i am bringing you to today.<br />
<br />
breath.<br />
<br />
today i feel so <i>blissful and serene.</i> it is interesting to note how relaxed i am. i started my new job today. drove to phoenix. i am getting practicum orientation. then class. all of these things individually should stress me out, yet today i am relaxed. serene. and completely happy.<br />
<br />
musing over the whyfore's and howto's, i feel GOD speak to my heart<br />
<br />
<i>because all that is left to do is what needs to be done.</i><br />
<i><br /></i><br />
true, Father. so true.<br />
<br />
five days until court. five very busy non-stop days.<br />
and all that is left to do is what needs to be done.<br />
<br />
i am ready.Kathleen Kellyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03119636346195383156noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4212673032894176789.post-21106225331634566222012-03-08T20:48:00.000-08:002012-03-08T20:48:02.797-08:00the end3 am, wake up<br />
cold water in my face<br />
so cold<br />
ice cold<br />
<br />
he is yelling<br />
he has lost it<br />
he is inhuman<br />
<br />
my body starts to shake<br />
fight or flight<br />
i try to speak<br />
he pours water on me again<br />
i try to move<br />
more water<br />
<br />
it is so cold<br />
my mind isn't clear<br />
he is going to kill me<br />
i see it in his eyes<br />
<br />
it is<br />
a calm rage in his eyes<br />
i realize<br />
he is enjoying this<br />
he loves this<br />
every second.<br />
he wants me afraid.<br />
<br />
i assess the room.<br />
trapped.<br />
more ice water<br />
more yelling<br />
<br />
he takes his time<br />
calling his family<br />
one by one<br />
and describing sex with me<br />
he has lost it<br />
he sends some of them pictures<br />
of me<br />
nudes<br />
not for public<br />
<br />
it feels like rape<br />
violation<br />
indignation<br />
<br />
my mind slows<br />
survive<br />
survive<br />
you have to survive<br />
<br />
i realized that he had gone overboard<br />
because he knew my point<br />
my february point<br />
was proven.<br />
<br />
i start praying<br />
and watching<br />
and praying<br />
<br />
<i>3 hours. I was there, wet, exposed and under attack for three hours.</i><br />
<i><br /></i><br />
my youngest wakes up<br />
and lays beside me<br />
he keeps spraying me<br />
dousing me<br />
and getting the baby wet<br />
<br />
<i>Lord, help me. I am stuck. The babies are in danger. Help! </i><br />
<i><br /></i><br />
the phone rings.<br />
my family is calling!<br />
hallelujah!<br />
something alerted them<br />
<br />
my best friend<br />
was praying<br />
praying and felt<br />
like she had to call<br />
something was wrong<br />
<br />
when she called<br />
from out of state<br />
God moved her heart<br />
to call from out of state<br />
so early in the morning<br />
<br />
when she called<br />
he wouldn't let me talk<br />
<br />
i was a hostage<br />
<br />
She gets on facebook<br />
contacts a friend<br />
friend calls the police<br />
<br />
the end begins.<br />
the police came three times.<br />
<br />
<i>Your only option, your only way out, is to come live with me</i><br />
<i>in a one-bedroom apartment, forget the divorce, never talk to anyone </i><br />
<i>you know again. You will do exactly what I say, when I say it. </i><br />
<i>Choose. Life or death.</i><br />
<i><br /></i><br />
I chose life. He just didn't know it.<br />
<br />
<br />Kathleen Kellyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03119636346195383156noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4212673032894176789.post-56920977273249129312012-03-08T20:37:00.000-08:002012-03-08T20:37:32.675-08:00the end beginsDriving back from out of state<br />
he texts me<br />
<br />
Suicide plans<br />
<br />
He has a plan<br />
He has intent<br />
He has the means<br />
<br />
I am so tempted not to respond<br />
to let him<br />
it would be so much easier<br />
but my babies were in that house<br />
and he planned to<br />
let them see him<br />
dead<br />
<br />
he planned to<br />
make them exposed to<br />
his body<br />
vomit<br />
urine<br />
feces<br />
coldness<br />
<br />
for hours<br />
until I got there<br />
<br />
they were babies<br />
babies<br />
babies<br />
<br />
I couldn't protect them.<br />
If I call the cops too soon, they take them into protective custody.<br />
When do I get them back?<br />
What would that do to them?<br />
If I call too late<br />
They see<br />
<br />
I have nothing but long, dark road ahead of me.<br />
I see the road<br />
and I know<br />
from here<br />
there is no turning back.<br />
<br />
I call the cops<br />
arrive as they do<br />
his narcotic bottle is empty<br />
he is sitting on the front porch<br />
calling me names<br />
<br />
the neighbors are watching<br />
hearing<br />
the things he is calling me<br />
I wish I cared<br />
I was too numb<br />
too pissed<br />
soul-pissed<br />
<br />
he says he was faking it<br />
just to see if I would react<br />
and as normal<br />
I overreacted<br />
<i>you are such a dumb bitch.</i><br />
<i><br /></i><br />
I tell his mother to go get him<br />
I go to bed<br />
and wonder when this ends.Kathleen Kellyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03119636346195383156noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4212673032894176789.post-32409992962060629802012-03-08T20:29:00.001-08:002012-03-08T20:29:37.775-08:00poofHave you ever seen<br />
a candle flame<br />
go out on its own?<br />
<br />
February.<br />
9 years, 2 months in, 4 months out.<br />
<br />
I stopped fighting<br />
not fighting back<br />
just silence<br />
He is fighting in front of the kids<br />
if I am silent<br />
they see<br />
and hear<br />
less<br />
I thought<br />
<br />
until<br />
<br />
<i>Your mommy doesn't love you.</i><br />
<i>Don't look at her.</i><br />
<i>She is lying to you when she tells you she loves you.</i><br />
<i>She is a lying selfish whore.</i><br />
<i><br /></i><br />
The flame went out.<br />
The last part of me<br />
died<br />
I watched my son's eyes<br />
well up with tears<br />
his body heaving sole-breaking sobs<br />
<br />
I couldn't even be mad<br />
I just took him into the bedroom<br />
and looked at him in the eyes<br />
and told him<br />
<br />
<i>I am done.</i><br />
<i>Just done.</i><br />
<i>No more.</i><br />
<i>I want a divorce.</i><br />
<i><br /></i><br />
There was no conflict.<br />
There was no emotion.<br />
There was... nothing.<br />
<br />
His sobs, his pleas... nothing.<br />
<br />
He swore it wouldn't happen again.<br />
I assured him it would.<br />
He swore again he wouldn't let it.<br />
Why don't I believe him.<br />
<br />
I tell him I will stay until it happens again<br />
so that then<br />
he KNOWS<br />
it was him<br />
I was right<br />
he is an abuser<br />
<br />
I didn't think that one through.<br />
but that's another story.Kathleen Kellyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03119636346195383156noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4212673032894176789.post-5624457017403365252012-03-08T20:24:00.001-08:002012-03-08T20:24:37.611-08:00iQuitrewind.<br />
9 years in, one out.<br />
Soccer practice for our 3 year old.<br />
<br />
<i>Honey, I have a headache. I need to go lay down.</i><br />
<i><br /></i><br />
He didn't get back up, except to yell at me or wander around the house.<br />
<br />
I now have three children.<br />
<br />
Funny, he is dizzy all the time.<br />
Must be rough.<br />
He just... collapses. When there is someone to see it happen.<br />
<br />
I can't leave now. He has a mystery illness.<br />
Every single doctor says nothing is wrong.<br />
I need to nurse him back to health?<br />
No!<br />
No!<br />
DAMN IT!<br />
<br />
He is in bed.<br />
For a year.<br />
<br />
For. A. Year.<br />
<br />
He is in my space.<br />
For a year.<br />
No breaks.<br />
No breaks.<br />
Just constant dialogue.<br />
It never stops.<br />
I am in hell.<br />
<br />
One day, at soccer practice, he decided to take a break from life.<br />
He left me a single mom with a house full of bills and three dependent people.<br />
I can't leave now.<br />
The bastard knew I wanted out.Kathleen Kellyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03119636346195383156noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4212673032894176789.post-22780631046678403512012-03-08T20:18:00.001-08:002012-03-08T20:18:06.885-08:00ChirpA little bird lands on my shoulder<br />
(metaphor)<br />
<i>i like you so much better </i><br />
<i>when you aren't around him</i><br />
<i><br /></i><br />
I hear her. Time away from the house has me feeling more me-ish. I start to understand just how much<br />
he has controlled my personality.<br />
<br />
I am so pissed.<br />
<br />
The surface is cracking.<br />
9.5 years in, 6 months out.Kathleen Kellyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03119636346195383156noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4212673032894176789.post-6305216978175685112012-03-08T20:15:00.001-08:002012-03-08T20:15:06.965-08:00hair<i>You are so selfish.</i><div>
<i>You are so vain.</i></div>
<div>
<i>The time you just spent doing your hair into that fancy little pony tail, you could have been playing with your children.</i></div>
<div>
<i>The money you spent on shampoo could have been used on groceries.</i></div>
<div>
<i>You are so spoiled.</i></div>
<div>
<i>Oh, it's all about you. Don't you know, it is always about you?</i></div>
<div>
<i><br /></i></div>
<div>
I hear him.</div>
<div>
He is right.</div>
<div>
I am vain.</div>
<div>
I am so tired of every day being a fight over looks.</div>
<div>
Even just brushing my hair causes fights now.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I go to my friend.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<i>Cut it off.</i></div>
<div>
<i><br /></i></div>
<div>
Now it is in a pixie cut.</div>
<div>
Now it takes no time at all.</div>
<div>
Fight over.</div>Kathleen Kellyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03119636346195383156noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4212673032894176789.post-27478664813220013282012-03-08T20:11:00.001-08:002012-03-08T20:11:43.951-08:00standing tallerMy faith grows.<br />
Through HIM all things are possible.<br />
<br />
I lose over 100 pounds.<br />
I earn an MBA in less than two years.<br />
I start my 2nd Masters in Mental Health Counseling.<br />
I start a non-profit.<br />
I volunteer with several others.<br />
I train and race in triathlons-<br />
coming in solid-middle of my age group, I am happy.<br />
I take up belly dancing.<br />
I buy a bikini.<br />
I am featured in art shows.<br />
<br />
<i>I am NOT nothing. </i><br />
<i>I am NOT worthless.</i><br />
<i>I am tired of listening to him.</i><br />
<br />
The boys are getting bigger, and I am getting stronger.<br />
The two lives become more apparent.<br />
<br />
The breaking point is closer.<br />
9 years in, one out.Kathleen Kellyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03119636346195383156noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4212673032894176789.post-82191239576979863822012-03-08T12:40:00.000-08:002012-03-08T12:40:06.728-08:00sick2nd pregnancy.<br />
Hyperemesis.<br />
With a toddler.<br />
Dark room all day.<br />
Toddler grazes on snacks.<br />
<br />
9 months of mostly isolation. Some days I can get up and out.<br />
He comes home and criticizes me for not doing the housework.<br />
I just want it over.<br />
<br />
I watch my belly grow- it is pretty this time. Beautiful, big, abundant belly.<br />
I like to rub it, feel the kicks.<br />
<br />
Friends come to visit this time. It is nice, lots of help from the community.<br />
Still feels like two lives. <br />
<br />
There is a nurse that visits, takes my vitals, adjusts the medicine.<br />
<br />
I spend every morning on a Bible study, but the book still feels foreign to me. Contrived. Very removed from the friend I have grown to know and love in my heart. HE gives me patience. <i>Keep Reading,</i> HE says.Kathleen Kellyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03119636346195383156noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4212673032894176789.post-71046350750438897542012-03-08T12:25:00.000-08:002012-03-08T12:25:23.689-08:003 to 4Seven years in, three years out.<br />
<br />
We are visiting friends out of state.<br />
He is being so awful.<br />
I feel sick.<br />
He hides this behind closed doors, but not this time.<br />
This time, he is being open about it.<br />
<br />
<i>What are you? Fucking stupid? God, you are worthless. Don't even bother talking to her. It's just her. </i><br />
<br />
I watch him and realize I need to run.<br />
<i>It is getting worse. </i><br />
<i>What is next? </i><br />
<br />
I decide to get out, to leave. But first, I try to make it through the party.<br />
I lure him back into the house for a quickie, hoping it will calm him down.<br />
<br />
I let him yell at me while he does it.<br />
<br />
It works.<br />
He calms down.<br />
<br />
I make plans to leave.<br />
<br />
One quickie leads to <br />
a little pink line...<br />
We are going to be four soon.<br />
<br />
<br />Kathleen Kellyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03119636346195383156noreply@blogger.com0