poof

Have you ever seen
a candle flame
go out on its own?

February.
9 years, 2 months in, 4 months out.

I stopped fighting
not fighting back
just silence
He is fighting in front of the kids
if I am silent
they see
and hear
less
I thought

until

Your mommy doesn't love you.
Don't look at her.
She is lying to you when she tells you she loves you.
She is a lying selfish whore.


The flame went out.
The last part of me
died
I watched my son's eyes
well up with tears
his body heaving sole-breaking sobs

I couldn't even be mad
I just took him into the bedroom
and looked at him in the eyes
and told him

I am done.
Just done.
No more.
I want a divorce.


There was no conflict.
There was no emotion.
There was... nothing.

His sobs, his pleas... nothing.

He swore it wouldn't happen again.
I assured him it would.
He swore again he wouldn't let it.
Why don't I believe him.

I tell him I will stay until it happens again
so that then
he KNOWS
it was him
I was right
he is an abuser

I didn't think that one through.
but that's another story.