terror

Morning.

I wait in the court's waiting room.
Shaking, shaking, shaking.

If the judge does not put the kids on the restraining order, I lose.
I lose because he establishes primary custody.
EVERYTHING rests on this judge granting the restraining order with the kids.

I am so scared, my body goes numb.
I can't stop sobbing.
I can't stop shaking.
praying. praying. praying.


My prayer had devolved into begging, pleading.
Please, please, please, God, please, please, please

Our turn.

My name, sworn in.
I look at the judge and he looks at me.

I don't have time to read all of this.
He tosses my petition aside.

He asks me two questions.
I am confused.
He won't let me tell my story.
He won't let me talk.

He brushes me off as I start to speak, and says he will have a decision waiting for us.

Out in the waiting room again
my body heaves sobs
it must be over
I never had a shot

the clerk calls my name
signed and stamped

I got the kids.

Numbness again.
I did it.
we were safe.