Sunday, March 11, 2012


The next month
I know I was functioning
I know things got done
people were called
papers were filed

I was numb
except when I wasn't
When I wasn't, emotion would flood me
my heart raced
my body heaved sobs
it would hit like a train.

Driving, singing my favorite song
sunlight in the window
and then... darkness, pain, fear, sadness...
too much
(i thought my body would break)
how can anyone survive such extremity?

I had lost everything
packed two kids and a van
drove away
he emptied the bank
he turned off my phone
trying to leave me without resources

I had his children!

more anger
and terror
what if he hurts us?
the statistics say that now we are in more danger
than we were a month ago.

I left my church family, my friends, my business, my home, my community...
I walked away from my entire life. 
Everything was gone in a day.
A chaotic cardboard and pizza day.

Thank you, God, for surrounding me with love and support.
Thank you, God, for providing.

I immediately got a new phone.
I immediately had a safe refuge.

Every day, even to today, our first prayers as a family are thanks.

Thank you, Our sweet Heavenly Father, for giving us enough food to fill our bellies and a warm, soft place to sleep. Thank you for sending Grammie and Grandpa to help care for us and to love us. Thank you for surrounding us with friends and family who love us. 

Every night. For 9 months.

Wow. 9 months. We are going to court on the 9 month anniversary of the day we demanded a new life.
It is like a pregnancy.
The time has fully come.

I remember in Church a few months back.
I was anxious, tired, and sad
but mostly tired
existentially tired.
I prayed for answers.

I heard him remind me of Galatians 4:4. "When the time had fully come..."
Things happen on HIS time.

Our "pregnancy" is almost over.
We are full term
the time is fully come

I am getting ahead of myself. Sorry for the rambling. We are talking about the first month now.

The restraining order was challenged
I won.
The Temporary Custody order was challenged.
I went with God as my attorney, he went with an actual attorney.
I won.
God was with me, holding my hand.

Resources presented themselves before I knew I needed them.
I watched in amazement as He walked with me, providing

It felt like manna from Heaven
small things
hard to list
but they were constant.

but still.
I was numb
and having waves of too much emotion
and just trying to deal
with the fact that I had never prepared
for the fact that
meant the death of my entire life.
it was over.

I was a blank canvas,
begging God to hurry up and start painting,
trying to find a place
in this new life.

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