Sunday, March 18, 2012

numb

four days out from court and no report. sorry about that.

it took me a few days to start feeling again.
start thinking again.

it went well. they pulled shenanigans. as a result, the battle continues- we were given a continuance.

The Bible says that the peacekeepers are blessed.
I want peace.

He wants war.

he laughed at me and smiled throughout my entire testimony.
it made my heart sad
his heart is so broken, so dark, so angry.

the details are unimportant.
what I know is that God has this
and I have to continually give it back to Him

that is harder to do
than it sounds
when one decision
changes your entire life

anyways, I will work on this story
to close the gap between then and now
without letting you fall behind

are you still there? are you still reading?
let me know.
xoxo

Sunday, March 11, 2012

agenda

jumping back to the temporary orders hearing

we had a long day ahead of us, many things to do.
documents to collect
and then court.

I had an agenda- complete with times and maps. My Plan.


Every single item on that list went as planned. Down to the minute. 12 errands. Down to the minute- how often has that EVER happened in your life? EVER?

Every single time, I felt God tug on my heart.

Pay attention.
This is so you trust me. 
You need to trust me right now. 


Last item: picking up my witnesses and driving to court- one hour away.

There are two roads to court. If you take one, it is 45 minutes to backtrack to the other.
It is an either/or situation.

We chose either, and at the very end of the road- right before it reconnected with the freeway- there was an accident.

I looked at the clock.
30 minutes until court.

If I am not there, I forfeit, and he gets everything he wants.
I lose.
I lose the kids.
I lose custody.

It is impossible to go the other way and make it.
If we wait for the accident to clear, it could be hours- what do we do?

I start to feel desperate.
How is it possible?
How is this possible?
How can EVERYTHING today have gone completely on schedule and THIS goes wrong?
This makes everything else pointless!
Did I leave an abuser just to lose due to an accident?

My mind races, and the others in the car start to panic.

After some debate, we decide to turn back and go the other way.

The clock keeps ticking.
Court is approaching.

I try to stay calm.
It is so far away!

How is it possible?
How is this possible?

My mind cycles in useless circles, retracing the day, trying to find my error.

There was no error. This was completely out of control. The plan was perfect.
MY PLAN WAS PERFECT.
THIS was GOD'S plan.

Every passing second imprints itself in our bones, deeply and painfully building the tension.

We make it to the city with five minutes to spare- but then need to find the courthouse.

There is a cop right in front of us!!
Perfect!!
We follow him in, he does the speed limit the whole time.

I am having trouble describing this moment.
Everything was on the line, and everything was out of my control.
Nothing was working.
The cop in front of us was going exactly 25 mph.
The clock threatened to hit the time, 4 minutes.
We knew we were more than 4 minutes away.

I couldn't think, panicking,

I was in the car. Shaking. My whole body quaked with the fear, caved to the anxiety.
I stared desperately at the clock, and could not stop screaming prayers.
And when I say screaming, I mean screaming.
In front of my mother.
In front of my witnesses,
with total reckless abandonment,
the car echoed with my pleas.

I need more faith God, I need more faith. Your will, Lord, your will... I need more faith, please more faith. You have been with us all day, building up for something. I know you are working on something big. I need more faith. Please, give me more faith. 


Over and over again, I begged and pleaded for faith, for patience, to understand His will.
I pleaded as the clock hit time, and we weren't still there.

The prayers turned to sobs.

Please, God, don't let it happen like this. Please, I need more faith. I can't understand, I am trying to understand. Why bring us this far? I need more faith, Lord, I need more faith. 


Finally, we turn into the courthouse, and before the car is parked, I am bolting up the steps to the courthouse.

I get in the elevator, breathless, face streaked with tears, disheveled.

I look to my right
and see
his attorney.

They were late too.
Exactly, to the second, as late as we were.

I get upstairs, and the court had not started yet. I had a chance to go in the bathroom, clean up, and collect my witnesses again.

Later, in the court room...

My witness to that day, the one who had helped me leave, was on the stand.
His attorney was drilling her about my mental state at the time.
She was saying I was afraid and very distraught.
The attorney pointed out I could just be upset, like any other person who has just fought with her husband.

My witness stops for a second.
Then she smiles and says, "No. I know her. She is never upset like this. I have known her for years, and never seen her cry or yell. Today, in the car, she was upset. I saw upset. I saw anger. I saw her pounding her fists on the dash, screaming at God. I saw different things that day. This was not anger, this was not a normal fight."

God whispered in my heart, All things for a reason, child. Have faith. I was there the whole time. This needed to happen just as it did.


The judge understood the distinction, we won the trial.
I walked away with everything I asked for.

Now, since then, I think of car accidents as a metaphor.
Sometimes God uses awful moments to His good.

Without that car accident, sent at just the exact right (or wrong?) time, my witness would have stumbled and the case could have been lost due to a manipulative attorney. Instead, God had given her a direct illustration of what she had seen and not seen.



HIS timing was PERFECT.
HIS plan was PERFECT.


We had a safe, uneventful trip back.
I believe there might even have been wine when we got home.

God blesses us with car accidents and wine.

silence



six weeks out
the boys don't mention their dad
they don't miss him
which strikes me as clinically significant.
I am worried about them
and their trauma
what they saw
what they went through
that day
that night
and now
their lives are changed, too
their sense of routine, security- shattered

We worked to establish a new routine right away
made them a bedroom
a playroom
enrolled them in school
attended church regularly
anything we can do to reconstruct some sense of normalcy
as quickly as possible

But why don't they talk?

I am in new parenting territory
how to help them navigate this?
I lean heavily on my clinical training
and psyche research
and try to pull them through this.

insecurity

in the Bible study
I look at insecurity
completely differently
than I ever have.

Insecurity is not about looks or shallow things
it is about not having security
lack of security
and looking to God in those moment

There couldn't be a better book
for this moment in my life
I read this book
as though it was written for me

I have no security
no idea what is to come
no idea where we are to live
no idea...

but I learn to look to God
not for outcomes
but for the Grace to accept his outcomes

and it changes my life
and the experience
and now
I see
God is working in my life
to make something amazing

but I am still numb
and terribly unsure
and frankly don't have too many memories



go to church

one week into our new life, Saturday, driving.

A conversation with God.

Go to church.
     I can't go to church. It's Saturday. I'm not Catholic.
Go to church.
     I can't go to church. It's Saturday!
Go to church!!


Just He said this, I passed a giant church with a sign out front advertising a Saturday service. I pulled in.

Go sit in the front.
     No way. I never sit in the front! Nooooo.... back for me, thank you very much.
Go sit in the front!
     Fine.

I sit in the front, behind this beautiful blonde lady.
She turns around and introduces herself.
Invites me to Sunday School, a women's only Bible study group. They were doing a study on Insecurity by Beth Moore.

Go.
     I just started a new life! I am NOT worried about my looks right now!
Go.
     I don't really understand right now, but fine.

The next morning...

I enter the Bible study, and feel very out of place. The new kid in a room of people who were obviously very close.

Talk.
   
I talk. I briefly cover my story. I tell them I need a church family right away. They pray with me.

After the study, I go to the church bookstore to flip through the book for the study, knowing I cannot afford it. I have nothing.

I was surrounded by strangers.
They bought me the books for the study.
They bought me a beautiful new Bible.

I dive into the Word and the Word brings me comfort.
The emotional waves subside.
I start healing.



numb

The next month
I know I was functioning
I know things got done
people were called
papers were filed

I was numb
except when I wasn't
When I wasn't, emotion would flood me
my heart raced
my body heaved sobs
it would hit like a train.

Driving, singing my favorite song
sunlight in the window
and then... darkness, pain, fear, sadness...
too much
(i thought my body would break)
how can anyone survive such extremity?

I had lost everything
packed two kids and a van
drove away
he emptied the bank
he turned off my phone
trying to leave me without resources

I had his children!

anger
more anger
and terror
what if he hurts us?
the statistics say that now we are in more danger
than we were a month ago.

I left my church family, my friends, my business, my home, my community...
I walked away from my entire life. 
Everything was gone in a day.
A chaotic cardboard and pizza day.

Thank you, God, for surrounding me with love and support.
Thank you, God, for providing.


I immediately got a new phone.
I immediately had a safe refuge.

Every day, even to today, our first prayers as a family are thanks.

Thank you, Our sweet Heavenly Father, for giving us enough food to fill our bellies and a warm, soft place to sleep. Thank you for sending Grammie and Grandpa to help care for us and to love us. Thank you for surrounding us with friends and family who love us. 


Every night. For 9 months.

Wow. 9 months. We are going to court on the 9 month anniversary of the day we demanded a new life.
It is like a pregnancy.
The time has fully come.

I remember in Church a few months back.
I was anxious, tired, and sad
but mostly tired
existentially tired.
I prayed for answers.

I heard him remind me of Galatians 4:4. "When the time had fully come..."
Poignant.
Things happen on HIS time.

Our "pregnancy" is almost over.
We are full term
the time is fully come

I am getting ahead of myself. Sorry for the rambling. We are talking about the first month now.

The restraining order was challenged
I won.
The Temporary Custody order was challenged.
I went with God as my attorney, he went with an actual attorney.
I won.
God was with me, holding my hand.

Resources presented themselves before I knew I needed them.
I watched in amazement as He walked with me, providing

It felt like manna from Heaven
small things
hard to list
but they were constant.

but still.
I was numb
and having waves of too much emotion
and just trying to deal
with the fact that I had never prepared
for the fact that
divorce
meant the death of my entire life.
it was over.

I was a blank canvas,
begging God to hurry up and start painting,
trying to find a place
in this new life.

thank you

I am almost crying right now.
Just saw how many page views yesterday, every day since I started writing.

THANK YOU for coming with me.
This isn't easy.
But it is easier knowing I am not alone.

nervous

bringing you to today again.
Two days of calm

today the calm avoids me like a naughty child playing hide and seek in an overcrowded store.
I am frustrated in my attempts to find it.

My chest hurts, my heart is racing.

Breathing and repeating.

I forgive you.
I love you.
I am not going to let you hurt me anymore


I am calm
I am loved
God has this


I feel really powerless
like the clock is hostile
ticking seconds too fast
sometimes too slow

The only thing left to do is what needs to be done.
You let me handle him.


God has been with me. He has this plan.
I am on the road
there are no more turns.
just straight.

My feet are heavy
Why is today so hard?

I slept 12 hours last night
fell asleep doing cognitive restructuring exercises
picturing calm and bliss in the court room

Why is my heart hurting today?
Why is it racing?

Pray with me,
I need more faith.

Saturday, March 10, 2012

the first day

The first day was a blur.

I can't think, function.

I call for help on Facebook.
I need to pack the house, and I need to pack it now. I need help.

My message went to my church, to another church, to another.
Within 20 minutes, my house was flooded with strangers. Packing, storing, cleaning.
They worked for 12 hours.
No payment taken, they just share a pizza and it is done.

I am on Facebook, everyone is helping me.
Finding the right paperwork, helping me fill it out.
Friends from other countries, other cities.
I feel surrounded, safe and loved.

The paperwork is done
I collapse, exhausted.
Haven't slept since the morning before the end.

My body quits on me
and sleep comes

I am so blessed to have help with the kids.
so blessed to have help with the house
just blessed.

the next morning, I file for divorce. I file for custody. I file for everything.
then we leave the city.

10 in, 0 out

This is where we start again.

The cops came. Told him to leave. He packed his stuff, and left.

Let me take you to that moment.
Restraining order served, there is no going back.
Is he going to follow the order?
Fear.
Shaking.
Nausea.
I can't go back.
This can't be fixed.
There is no making up now.

The house is empty now, I go in and grab the kids.

The house is a mess.
Food on the floor.
The boys are in diapers, filthy, I can smell them from several feet away.
The youngest is in a very, very dirty diaper.
When was he last changed?

I immediately get them into a bath.
That's when I see them.

My youngest has giant bruises all up and down his back, some on his arm wrapping around, some on his leg.

My baby has been hurt.
I see red again.
I couldn't protect him.




struggling

I am struggling to write this.
It gets overwhelming, so much to tell.
How do I start?
I am in the middle of the mess, and it feels like there is no light at the end of the tunnel.

Noting the resistance, I am curious to revisit the traumas though writing. It is hard.
I could use some hand-holding right now.

All that is left to do is what needs to be done.


Holding on to that thought, we now have to discuss this.
There are several chapters to this story.

I have told the first chapter: the marriage.
I have told the 2nd chapter: leaving.
Now, time for the messy third chapter: reconstruction.

This is where God holds my hand.
This is where he walks with me.

I sure hope I can do Him justice in writing this story.
I know I won't.

If you are feeling my anger, anxiety, insecurity... hang tight.
The story gets MUCH better from here.
The hard part is over now.

terror

Morning.

I wait in the court's waiting room.
Shaking, shaking, shaking.

If the judge does not put the kids on the restraining order, I lose.
I lose because he establishes primary custody.
EVERYTHING rests on this judge granting the restraining order with the kids.

I am so scared, my body goes numb.
I can't stop sobbing.
I can't stop shaking.
praying. praying. praying.


My prayer had devolved into begging, pleading.
Please, please, please, God, please, please, please

Our turn.

My name, sworn in.
I look at the judge and he looks at me.

I don't have time to read all of this.
He tosses my petition aside.

He asks me two questions.
I am confused.
He won't let me tell my story.
He won't let me talk.

He brushes me off as I start to speak, and says he will have a decision waiting for us.

Out in the waiting room again
my body heaves sobs
it must be over
I never had a shot

the clerk calls my name
signed and stamped

I got the kids.

Numbness again.
I did it.
we were safe.


darkness

I spent the night writing, in depth, every detail of the abuse on the petition for the restraining order.

Every. detail.

I am getting my babies back.

The night is long. Too long, too dark.

He has stepped out of reality. Calls my mother and tells her that we are back together, attending a prayer group. Calls her again, tells her I am in an orgy at that very minute. Calls her and tells her that I had sex on the couch in the living room, in front of the kids, while he laid in the bedroom.

My mom gets scared.
She is with me.
He is absolutely crazy.
He sobs one second, screams the next, and can be completely calm in the third.
Sometimes all three within the same 20 second conversation.

It isn't safe for my babies to be with him.
He has lost it,
but I can't get them till morning.

I pray for their safety and give them to God.
Only HE can bring them through this night.

They are locked in the house with a madman.
And I sleep gripping the papers that will free them.

911

I did everything I could to calm him down, keep him from getting violent.
I said what I thought he wanted me to say.
I did what I thought he wanted me to do.
Just trying to make it till morning.

In the morning, I was going to leave.

But we didn't make it that far.

The kids saw it all
the attack
him ripping my phone from my hand

there is no 911 for you.


his sneer blazed into my mind.
checkmate.
he had me.

i wrestled free of him
ran half naked down the street to the first neighbor who would answer the door

the police came

he was going to take the kids
he said i would never find him
he said i would never see them again alive
if i left.

the police had been out three times.
they were impatient with us

they told me to leave
because he couldn't drive
they wouldn't let me take the kids
because they had been disrupted enough

i begged
begged
begged
them to let me take the kids

the female officer
off the record. you take the car seats. i can't help you, but you take those car seats so he can't take those babies till morning.


I took the car seats, kissed them goodbye and drove away. I didn't know if I would ever see them again.



open and closed

the afternoon of the end, a friend helped me, sheltered me until i stopped shaking and crying.
i called domestic violence shelters and legal aid, got legal advice.

i was supposed to be repenting, in a prayer group, praying for my marriage.
for God to show me how to be his wife correctly.

we went to the court to file the restraining order.
the court was closed.

i couldn't leave the kids with him
i had to go back

Friday, March 9, 2012

work

pause the story. i am bringing you to today.

breath.

today i feel so blissful and serene. it is interesting to note how relaxed i am. i started my new job today. drove to phoenix. i am getting practicum orientation. then class. all of these things individually should stress me out, yet today i am relaxed. serene. and completely happy.

musing over the whyfore's and howto's, i feel GOD speak to my heart

because all that is left to do is what needs to be done.


true, Father. so true.

five days until court. five very busy non-stop days.
and all that is left to do is what needs to be done.

i am ready.

Thursday, March 8, 2012

the end

3 am, wake up
cold water in my face
so cold
ice cold

he is yelling
he has lost it
he is inhuman

my body starts to shake
fight or flight
i try to speak
he pours water on me again
i try to move
more water

it is so cold
my mind isn't clear
he is going to kill me
i see it in his eyes

it is
a calm rage in his eyes
i realize
he is enjoying this
he loves this
every second.
he wants me afraid.

i assess the room.
trapped.
more ice water
more yelling

he takes his time
calling his family
one by one
and describing sex with me
he has lost it
he sends some of them pictures
of me
nudes
not for public

it feels like rape
violation
indignation

my mind slows
survive
survive
you have to survive

i realized that he had gone overboard
because he knew my point
my february point
was proven.

i start praying
and watching
and praying

 3 hours. I was there, wet, exposed and under attack for three hours.


my youngest wakes up
and lays beside me
he keeps spraying me
dousing me
and getting the baby wet

Lord, help me. I am stuck. The babies are in danger. Help! 


the phone rings.
my family is calling!
hallelujah!
something alerted them

my best friend
was praying
praying and felt
like she had to call
something was wrong

when she called
from out of state
God moved her heart
to call from out of state
so early in the morning

when she called
he wouldn't let me talk

i was a hostage

She gets on facebook
contacts a friend
friend calls the police

the end begins.
the police came three times.

Your only option, your only way out, is to come live with me
in a one-bedroom apartment, forget the divorce, never talk to anyone 
you know again. You will do exactly what I say, when I say it. 
Choose. Life or death.


I chose life. He just didn't know it.


the end begins

Driving back from out of state
he texts me

Suicide plans

He has a plan
He has intent
He has the means

I am so tempted not to respond
to let him
it would be so much easier
but my babies were in that house
and he planned to
let them see him
dead

he planned to
make them exposed to
his body
vomit
urine
feces
coldness

for hours
until I got there

they were babies
babies
babies

I couldn't protect them.
If I call the cops too soon, they take them into protective custody.
When do I get them back?
What would that do to them?
If I call too late
They see

I have nothing but long, dark road ahead of me.
I see the road
and I know
from here
there is no turning back.

I call the cops
arrive as they do
his narcotic bottle is empty
he is sitting on the front porch
calling me names

the neighbors are watching
hearing
the things he is calling me
I wish I cared
I was too numb
too pissed
soul-pissed

he says he was faking it
just to see if I would react
and as normal
I overreacted
you are such a dumb bitch.


I tell his mother to go get him
I go to bed
and wonder when this ends.

poof

Have you ever seen
a candle flame
go out on its own?

February.
9 years, 2 months in, 4 months out.

I stopped fighting
not fighting back
just silence
He is fighting in front of the kids
if I am silent
they see
and hear
less
I thought

until

Your mommy doesn't love you.
Don't look at her.
She is lying to you when she tells you she loves you.
She is a lying selfish whore.


The flame went out.
The last part of me
died
I watched my son's eyes
well up with tears
his body heaving sole-breaking sobs

I couldn't even be mad
I just took him into the bedroom
and looked at him in the eyes
and told him

I am done.
Just done.
No more.
I want a divorce.


There was no conflict.
There was no emotion.
There was... nothing.

His sobs, his pleas... nothing.

He swore it wouldn't happen again.
I assured him it would.
He swore again he wouldn't let it.
Why don't I believe him.

I tell him I will stay until it happens again
so that then
he KNOWS
it was him
I was right
he is an abuser

I didn't think that one through.
but that's another story.

iQuit

rewind.
9 years in, one out.
Soccer practice for our 3 year old.

Honey, I have a headache. I need to go lay down.


He didn't get back up, except to yell at me or wander around the house.

I now have three children.

Funny, he is dizzy all the time.
Must be rough.
He just... collapses. When there is someone to see it happen.

I can't leave now. He has a mystery illness.
Every single doctor says nothing is wrong.
I need to nurse him back to health?
No!
No!
DAMN IT!

He is in bed.
For a year.

For. A. Year.

He is in my space.
For a year.
No breaks.
No breaks.
Just constant dialogue.
It never stops.
I am in hell.

One day, at soccer practice, he decided to take a break from life.
He left me a single mom with a house full of bills and three dependent people.
I can't leave now.
The bastard knew I wanted out.

Chirp

A little bird lands on my shoulder
(metaphor)
i like you so much better 
when you aren't around him


I hear her. Time away from the house has me feeling more me-ish. I start to understand just how much
he has controlled my personality.

I am so pissed.

The surface is cracking.
9.5 years in, 6 months out.

hair

You are so selfish.
You are so vain.
The time you just spent doing your hair into that fancy little pony tail, you could have been playing with your children.
The money you spent on shampoo could have been used on groceries.
You are so spoiled.
Oh, it's all about you. Don't you know, it is always about you?

I hear him.
He is right.
I am vain.
I am so tired of every day being a fight over looks.
Even just brushing my hair causes fights now.

I go to my friend.

Cut it off.

Now it is in a pixie cut.
Now it takes no time at all.
Fight over.

standing taller

My faith grows.
Through HIM all things are possible.

I lose over 100 pounds.
I earn an MBA in less than two years.
I start my 2nd Masters in Mental Health Counseling.
I start a non-profit.
I volunteer with several others.
I train and race in triathlons-
    coming in solid-middle of my age group, I am happy.
I take up belly dancing.
I buy a bikini.
I am featured in art shows.

I am NOT nothing. 
I am NOT worthless.
I am tired of listening to him.

The boys are getting bigger, and I am getting stronger.
The two lives become more apparent.

The breaking point is closer.
9 years in, one out.

sick

2nd pregnancy.
Hyperemesis.
With a toddler.
Dark room all day.
Toddler grazes on snacks.

9 months of mostly isolation. Some days I can get up and out.
He comes home and criticizes me for not doing the housework.
I just want it over.

I watch my belly grow- it is pretty this time. Beautiful, big, abundant belly.
I like to rub it, feel the kicks.

Friends come to visit this time. It is nice, lots of help from the community.
Still feels like two lives.

There is a nurse that visits, takes my vitals, adjusts the medicine.

I spend every morning on a Bible study, but the book still feels foreign to me. Contrived. Very removed from the friend I have grown to know and love in my heart. HE gives me patience. Keep Reading, HE says.

3 to 4

Seven years in, three years out.

We are visiting friends out of state.
He is being so awful.
I feel sick.
He hides this behind closed doors, but not this time.
This time, he is being open about it.

What are you? Fucking stupid? God, you are worthless. Don't even bother talking to her. It's just her. 

I watch him and realize I need to run.
It is getting worse. 
What is next? 

I decide to get out, to leave. But first, I try to make it through the party.
I lure him back into the house for a quickie, hoping it will calm him down.

I let him yell at me while he does it.

It works.
He calms down.

I make plans to leave.

One quickie leads to
a little pink line...
We are going to be four soon.


crack and flood

The man is speaking again.
My coffee is cold.

Nothing is different.
Then suddenly, everything is different.

My heart suddenly breaks.
I am flooded with love. And grief.
I cry.
Cry torrents. Body heaving sobs.

I cannot deny Jesus anymore.

His finger pressed my heart like a button, and it exploded.

I am so afraid.
I cry harder.
He won't like this.
He hates God.
He will hurt me if he finds out.

I go home, curl up in a small ball in my room.
It is quiet, I am alone.

Ok, God. I am going to SHUT UP.  You have my attention for five minutes. If you have something to say, say it now.

and he did.
my heart echo'd with his voice
five sentences.
four were for me
the last I will share

You let me worry about him.

My new life starts, I am reborn.
I feel essentially changed.
DNA rewoven.
I am a different person now.
And he will see that.

The war begins.

coffee

The church was a big church.
They had free coffee with flavored creamers.
I enjoy a cup and listen to the man speak.
Sometimes he is funny.
Sometimes, not so much.

I love this time. In my mind, the sermons are translated into secular lessons.

Months pass. I love church.

Reality | ytilaeR

New norms are established. There are two realities.

Baking, homeschooling, helping, community outreach, advocacy, sister, mother, daughter, artist.

Whore, useless, worthless, ugly, disposable, idiotic.

I start to believe him. His voice narrates my day, my own voice replaced.
My mind grows numb, I no longer defend myself.

My sister asks me to come to church with her.
I go just to get away.


staying home

My life becomes a prison.
A cell with a window, with beautiful sunlight streaming in.

I spend all day with my son. High-needs, nursing all day.
My mind is trapped in the minutia of life. I am so alone.

I crave his company, but he is at work.
I dread his company. When he is at work, I have peace.

He comes home, we fight, I cry.
The days circle around like a carousel.
Nothing I do is right.

Facebook.
My savior!

I meet other mothers, reach out.


L(if)e

5 years in, 5 years out. Halfway through, standing at the center line.

The little pink line tells me that soon 2 will be 3.

3 months in, I am very sick.

Hyperemesis.
Vomiting 20-30 times a day, my body aches, I sleep for hours, wake for an hour or two, sleep again.

I realize that I have to choose- keep my job, financial independence, and be able to leave... and abort.

Or shelter that life, become a stay at home mom, keep a high-risk pregnancy and sign at least another 5 year enlistment with him.

I look down both roads, heartbroken. I really wanted a baby.

A dream:

A baby is falling like a feather from heaven, in front of a curtain. The curtain pulls back, revealing a counsel of five people who my soul recognizes as my guides or guardian angels. They ask me when would I like him to be conceived? They give me three dates. I choose the only one before my birthday, and tell them I always want him to come before me. I name him in the dream. He is my baby, my son, and meant to come... 

I wake up blessed, and terrified.

No abortion.

He was born in the spring, 6 weeks premature and very iron deficient.
The doctors think leukemia.
I feel guilty for not being able to give him enough.

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Help Yourself

The situation gets desperate.
I lose hope.
Nothing matters anymore.
I can't get out.
I have to find a way to live with him.

I sit on the chair to meditate.
In the calmness of my mind, I whisper "Help me."

I hear a voice distinct in my heart whisper back
"Help Yourself."


Stuck

Hanging up Christmas lights around the door.
He is sitting on the couch.
His voice narrates every moment of every day.
I am almost used to it.

Worthless... can't you do anything right? 
What the hell are you doing? 
I should just do it myself.
I know better than to give you a damned hammer.
My God, from this angle I can see how fucking fat you have gotten.
You are disgusting. 


I feel the hammer get ripped from my hand.
He always takes things from my hands without telling me.
It feels violent and violating.
Taking over before I give it over.

I see red.
For the first time in my life, I see red.
I fight the urge to make a life-changing choice.

Astonished at where my mind had just gone, I sit silently on the couch.
He hangs the lights.
I realize this doesn't end well.
I can't leave.
I can't stay.
Something has to give.

The First Apartment

Our first apartment! I am so excited. It is all set up, just right. I stare at the dining room table and imagine posh dinner parties a-la Sex in the City.

There was a brick and tile fireplace.

Fast forward.

We are fighting. Again. I am thrown on the ground, head repeatedly beat against the fireplace until it is throbbing. I am thrown on the bed and shaken violently for what seemed like hours. Screaming inches from my face. I go limp, hoping that makes it stop. He lets go. I run and hide under the computer desk, blocking him with the chair. He kicks the chair and calls me pathetic. He goes to bed. I don't.

The next morning, he sobs his regrets.
I hand him the phone.
Call your mother and tell her what you did.

He does.
I thought the shame would be enough to prevent it from happening again.
It wasn't.

In the beginning

In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. John 1:1

In the beginning there was a little girl and a Baptist church. Songs and hymns were carved into my soul, and I learned quotes such as John 3:16:

For God so loved the world, that he gave his only son, that whomever should believe in him will not perish but will have everlasting life.


I learned the Lord's Prayer.
I learned that church was a place for the great climbing trees, struggling with dresses, and old people who smelled funny.

Close that chapter.

Age 14, my dad kills himself. I cry bitterly in my room, shivering even though I don't remember being cold. It was one night in a series of nights, not the first, not the last. I don't think I can handle the pain anymore, I can't breath through the weight of the grief, and I sob out to God, "Please, God... hold my hand. I am so alone, I don't want to hurt anymore. Please, hold my hand." I feel my hand grow warm and it feels like someone is literally holding it. My heart calms, I fall asleep.

Not a teenager of faith, I dismiss it and move on into a somewhat troubled and rebellious adolescence. I learn about tarot, Ouija and the occult, and become very interested. It feels more controllable, more real, and more mysterious than any old God in an old dusty, far-removed Baptist church. I study the Eastern religions in depth.

Age 16, winter, around 3:00am. I am laying on cold tile, naked. I am so cold, and so sore. I can't move except to try to curl a little tighter into myself. I watch as men come in and out of the bathroom to pee or to puke. The memories of their dog tags swaying over my face as they raped me play in my memory as I watch them. They look at me with blank stares. I still can't talk- the drugs they slipped me were too strong. I pray that God tells one of them to get me a blanket, I am so cold... but they don't. I pray throughout the morning. Please don't let me die. Please don't let me die. Please don't let me die. The morning comes, I wake up. At some point I had fallen asleep. My clothes were thrown on me and I was told to get out. I am grateful to be alive, the morning sun burns my eyes. I drive home, and spend the morning giving Thanks.

Adolescence passes. College starts. I fall in love. He leaves me. I meet his doppelganger and marry him, completely unaware of the transference. Thinking that I could love and nurture a temper away, I walk into Hell with eagerness and anticipation. Welcome, adulthood.

Intro

"Life is a walk. Each day we take steps. Our tomorrow is determined by the steps we take today. 

His desire is for us to reach up and take his hand and never let go. He wants us to become more and more dependent upon Him for every step we take. That's because He wants to take us to places where we've never been. To heights we can’t imagine. In order to do that we must go through low valleys, treacherous mountains, rough terrain, and narrow paths of life-places where we could easily get lost or off the track. And there is definitely no way we can just head off on our own and expect to arrive safely in the place He has planned for us."


- Stormie Omartian, Just Enough Light for the Step I'm On


I am writing this today in the calm before the storm. I am writing this to keep my eyes on God, to keep my faith where it needs to be. This blog will be my love letter to my Body of Christ, it will be the testament to my faith. It will tell some stories that I hope you laugh with me on, cry with me on, and hold my hand through. I beg you to interact. I will draw strength from your comments.

The date presses down on me. 6 days.

In six days, I have to do something that will likely take all the last of my strength, and every single drop of faith.

This is the story between here and there, from where it started to where it ends. Please, walk with me. I don't want to be alone right now.